a one-sided witty repartee.

Apr 01 2013 ∞

I mean, it isn't, but I guess it is.

  • me: Check it out: the cake is iced to look like a basketball court, with Kit-Kat and graham cracker backboards, and then you make little chocolate players out of mini Reeses cups.
  • Erol: That's racist.
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Sep 17 2012 ∞
“ Maybe that’s why we love them. Because their lives aren’t lengthly, logical, or deliberate; but an explosive paradox composed of fur, teeth and enthusiasm.
— the oatmeal has beautiful things to say about his dog’s love of shit, nonsense, and the intangible.
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Aug 30 2012 ∞
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+ ∞

And I quote…

“My only problem with that bar is that it’s not full of smokeshows trying to suck a million dicks.”

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Jul 31 2012 ∞
“ When I was young there were beatniks. Hippies. Punks. Gangsters. Now you’re a hacktivist. Which I would probably be if I was 20. Shuttin’ down MasterCard. But there’s no look to that lifestyle! Besides just wearing a bad outfit with bad posture. Has WikiLeaks caused a look? No! I’m mad about that. If your kid comes out of the bedroom and says he just shut down the government, it seems to me he should at least have an outfit for that.
—

John Waters

via Put This On

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Jul 27 2012 ∞
“ Love is like a fart: if you have to force it, it’ll probably turn out to be shit.
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Jul 05 2012 ∞
“ Hey, there’s the comedian. He doesn’t seem funny.” No shit. Because I’m trippin’ out, man. Here you are surrounded by those you know well. And here I am, fish outta water struggling to breathe. Tell you what…you be funny now. I’ll be quiet. A quiet guy is not necessarily unfunny. Think of Charlie Chaplin. The space shuttle soars through space. But most of the time it’s parked. Maybe on a launch pad. It is still the space shuttle. You can’t dis it because it’s resting. I’m on my launch pad. Soon the countdown will begin. I love funny people. I was funny in social situations. Still am. But when I turned that into my job, I eased off it in everyday situations. Tonight I’ll go onstage and make people laugh for 45 minutes. And I bet the funniest person you know, if you added up the amount of time in one day that they had people cracking up still wouldn’t add up to 45 minutes. “He doesn’t seem funny.” Fuck off.
—

Mitch Hedberg

via reddit

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Jul 04 2012 ∞
Murrica (Taken with Instagram)

Murrica (Taken with Instagram)

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Jul 02 2012 ∞
youbroketheinternet: god bless America

youbroketheinternet:

god bless America

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Jun 10 2012 ∞

God save 'em

  • Gordon Ramsay: How are your Pollocks?
  • Old British Woman 1: Oh, delicious. Very good. First time I've had pollock, and I enjoyed it. I shall have it again.
  • Old British Woman 2: How are yours, dear?
  • GR: How are mine?
  • OBW2: [laughs]
  • GR: I can't believe you said that to me, about my bollocks. I thought you were great in The Queen, by the way.
  • OBW 2: [dead serious, pissed] Fuck off.
  • GR: I beg your pardon?
  • OBW 2: That's how you speak to your people?
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May 28 2012 ∞
“ hereUare, Inc. is a diversified technology company developing Internet software and telecom solutions. The company’s key products deliver a simple, yet powerful platform, which can be uniquely tailored to different Internet needs or telecom styles. The company’s products provide a unique online platform for users, from individuals, through small and medium businesses to larger corporate enterprises, with a personalized, all-in-one, web-based solution that aggregates any user’s needs, from any location, with the use of any Internet device. The innovative hereUare platform and accompanying solutions are a result of seven years of comprehensive research and development packaged into a portfolio of products, some of which utilize pioneering and involved patent-pending technologies that may drastically enhance a user’s Internet experience.
—

After reading this, I can only conclude that this company removes three IQ points from everyone who reads their “about us” page and sells them on the black market.

edit: I was wrong, it was a tech bubble stock scam.

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May 21 2012 ∞
“ Roast the loin, grill the legs, braise the forequarter and use the horn to pick your teeth with after the meal. For the record, unicorn marrow is delicious.
—

Anthony Bourdain, when asked (by a little girl) how he’d cook a Unicorn.

via The Daily What

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May 18 2012 ∞
US Patent No. 5,443,036: Method of Exercising a Cat …consists of directing a beam of invisible light directed by a handheld laser apparatus onto the floor or wall or other opaque surface in the vicinity of the cat, then moving the laser so as to cause a bright pattern of light to move in an irregular way fascinating to cats via Now I Know related: Big Cats vs. Laser Pointers

US Patent No. 5,443,036: Method of Exercising a Cat

…consists of directing a beam of invisible light directed by a handheld laser apparatus onto the floor or wall or other opaque surface in the vicinity of the cat, then moving the laser so as to cause a bright pattern of light to move in an irregular way fascinating to cats

via Now I Know

related: Big Cats vs. Laser Pointers

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May 16 2012 ∞
How common is your birthday? …and, inadvertently or not, a few other things about human behavior, psychology, sociology, superstition and seasonality. via reddit

How common is your birthday? …and, inadvertently or not, a few other things about human behavior, psychology, sociology, superstition and seasonality.

via reddit

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May 14 2012 ∞
Pinup girls are like the original photoshop. Before & After on Retronaut. related: 14-year old girl hand-delivers petition to the Editrix of Seventeen Magazine to include one spread in each issue that hasn’t been photoshopped; the mag politely dodges. via Valet

Pinup girls are like the original photoshop. Before & After on Retronaut.

related: 14-year old girl hand-delivers petition to the Editrix of Seventeen Magazine to include one spread in each issue that hasn’t been photoshopped; the mag politely dodges.

via Valet

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